if only i could text you this smell
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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