remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
