I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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