Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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