Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
