You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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