I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
