I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hippo gnu deer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
