Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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