the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
