i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
