I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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