Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
