The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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