Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
