they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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