I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
