I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
ttyl tear gas
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
