I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
