btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
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Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
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Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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