sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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