is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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