so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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