So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
