All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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