I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
