I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
