I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
