i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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