2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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