Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Randomize
