I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
