It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
