do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
