I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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