We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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