I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
