this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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