At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
