Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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