Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My life is pants optional.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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