I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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