hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
