There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize