This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
