She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
