I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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