Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
