I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
