please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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