Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
