He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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