i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
