What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
