dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
