never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
